soul crisis
by yasu
Summary: the frog talks.. no. i mean uhh.. croaks?


**Disclaimer: **SD isn't mine. Just borrowed.

**22.10.03**

**Soul crisis.**

-yasu

Wednesday afternoon. I just arrived from school. Home alone, lying on the couch, doing nothing but stare blankly at the colored screen at my front. I was silently savoring this 'tabula rasa' state when this freaking question hit me once again.

_Who am I?_

Typical. But I never really gave a damn. Who cares, anyway? All I know is I'm alive, is still living, and IS needing to live.

Egocentric, huh? I wish.

_Again._

Yep, I already said that, didn't I? This ordinary question have been bugging me way too long before but everytime it does, it keeps on freaking me out. That's why I automatically trash the thought away and mind other 'more important' things. Or so I believe.

I just find it odd that such question would make me want to escape fast. Call me a weirdo; I don't care. Besides, that's what I've been known of.

_An egocentric weirdo._

The image that I DID. The one that I PLANNED to be. The one that I RECENTLY CHOSE to be.

Hey, atleast I have an identity!

But what's to be afraid of? _Chicken._ Nah! 

Fine! One-shot. Then, maybe it'll stop bugging my bloody passive sense.

Who am I? Hmm… let me see.

For the past two years, I've been known for my blunt image, my obsession with basketball, my craving for challenge, my crap academic grades, my irksome piercing eyes, my 'I-don't-care-as-long-as-you're-not-dissing-my-basketball-reputation' attitude. Atleast my team knows that. I'm not even sure if the others sees me as this. Besides, I, Ryonan basketball team's #13 isn't someone great to be famous anyway. 

Rewinding another two years, I was fickle. Indescribable. Like some clown hiding in a serious, no-reaction face. People who knows me laughs, those who don't have baffled faces thinking if I was serious or not. I made friends, some I'm uncomfortable talking with. Dunno why. But I talk to them regularly anyway. Keep pushing away the feeling so as to follow the character I chose for the year.

Subtract four years when I've been known for being quiet. Not just quiet. Literally, totally quiet. I won't say a word if you don't speak to me. But I'm not aloof. Well, sometimes. But some good friends are just so patient to keep with me. Some goody-goody, huh? Maybe. Besides, that's what they used to say. 

Err... those were the ones that I can still remember.

There. Finished.

If only it's everything that I am… 

Yeah. You read it right. I'm not really sure if I am what I am showing now.

Because now, I am an egocentric weirdo - the character I recently chose to show. _Atleast on the exterior._

So there, I've spilled it. And I admit I don't know who am I either. Bad. Yeah, I know how you're gonna react. If you happen to stop by and read this crap, you'll probably say I am a waste of time. That what I'm doing is a way of fooling myself, my friends, the people that I know. Feh. Whatever. Sorry but at this moment, I.DON'T.CARE. 

Funny. I'm fooling myself. Haha! Well, who doesn't?

Know the feeling of betrayal? Of a fraud rejection? Of being discerned? Like you, I've seen it. I've heard it. I've experienced it. Difference is, they didn't do it to my face. Got what I mean? _Intuition, that's what they call it._

Add the fact that because I don't know who I am means that I don't have an identity. And I think I need one. So there, all planned. Be it negative or anything, the lesson I've learned from the past gives me the options of attitudes that I choose. My future depends on the past. It gets lessons from the past. It gets strength from the past. Being an egocentric weirdo - I opted because of the past. 

Fooling oneself. It's not all negative. Sometimes, it brings hope… strength… _inner peace -_ my main purpose. 

Atleast that's what it said in my personal dictionary. 

And it's still part of my process of finding myself. Such simple prob, big deal to me. 

Am I happy? . . . 

I need to be. They say its life's ultimate experience. But I'm not sure if I felt that. I did laugh. I did smile. I did enjoy my life. But sometimes, I'm not even sure if it comes naturally. Because if I naturally go with the flow, I forget. Unconsciously, I know I hurt other people. Especially those I care about- making them think of negative things about me. Well, who wants that? I know that no one can make every person like him. It's such a big burden. Maybe that's why for once, I less cared of what others think. I said what I want to say. I thought out loud. And guess what? 

As expected, negative discerning, conversing eyes is what I saw. My friends, those I didn't expect to turn me down… Talking behind my back, eyebrows raised. What is their problem?? I know that I didn't say anything ironic. I can still remember. I was excited sharing my luck with them. Earning a 2-digit shooting points when I was a grade-schooler? How can I be less happier? They cheered and smiled, looking happy for me. Atleast I thought they were. But no, I'm not dense. I'm not talking but somehow when I glanced sideways, I saw their irony. Ha! 

Who's numb enough not to feel when you're being talked about? Delusion? Nah… Someone let it in the open. And I proved it myself. And it's definitely fine with me. Just that if only they'd say it straight to my face. They don't have to find another person, share negative comments and laugh behind my back. Or is there really a need? 

Friends! Atleast I made them laugh. Thanks for the sarcastic apprehension.

My benefit? I finally released the burden I kept. And I now firmly believe that I shouldn't trust anyone. Or if I do, I make sure they get only what is necessary. Keep everything to myself. Mind my own happiness. Less mind what others think – it doesn't help a lot in finding true friends.

And yep, I believe they're rare. But I know I already found some. Those three — worshipping me like a basketball god. Am still lucky.

Argh! Whatever. But I want to clear some things up… to myself.

So to sum up…

Old, thick red book says that being egocentric means being self-centered, not caring of what is happening around you, what others think about you. _Am I? Do I?_

Externally, yes; Internally, no. I'm not that callous! Just that I don't show it much. It's not necessary - won't help anything.

Stupid. This question is giving me a headache. Maybe I need to go back to the basics and mind those 'other important things' like playing ball, perhaps? It'll be so much better and end this trash.

Besides, I heard that redhead monkey is improving. Sendoh. I have to prove to him that I am better than that baka. He's nothing much but a freshman and a basketball newbie. I.AM.STILL.SUPERIOR. Feh.

_Jealous much?_

What the-? Ofcourse not! Crap conscience.

So what does it bring me now?

My life? The way I live with it?

Nothing much to say.

Maybe it's just another piece of a nice shit.

  


**A/N:** Been gone for a while. And the homecoming is a serious, mawkish angst from a certain Ryonan player. My writings.. it's getting rusty. Err.. need to practice more. Maybe a sequel to my comedy fic will be nice, ne? And maybe my brain won't swell with arduous, maudlin lines like this? And yep, before my reputation gets toasted.

Erk.. and now, am getting speechless. What's wrong with me?? `('_')' 

Guess it's your turn to talk now. Welcome me with warmth, okie? Ehehehe..  


End file.
